Tuesday, January 10, 2006

The Toddler's Diet

This isn't financial, but it's good to know that I won't need to worry about my weight in the toddler years. I also wanted to pass a message along to mom and dad about what fun they can expect in the years to come:

The Toddler's Diet


• Breakfast - One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

• Lunch - Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

• Dinner - A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of stale soda.

• Bedtime Snack - Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.


• Breakfast - Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vegetable dye.

• Lunch - Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick. One ice cube, if desired.

• Afternoon Snack - Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop In dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.

• Dinner - A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.


• Breakfast - Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk: drink half, stuff pancakes in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.

• Lunch - Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

• Dinner - Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some coffee.


• Breakfast - A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of corn flakes, add a half-cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

• Lunch - Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

• Dinner - A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert!

and some added dieting techniques:

1. Refuse to eat unless you are sitting on someone's lap. Drop most of food on your parents' clothes.

2. Refuse to wear bib unless all others present also wear bibs.

3. Eat pretzels for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Refuse all other food.

4. Demand food that you've only tasted once long ago that nobody knew you'd remember the name of, and which is not on in the house.

5. Eat very little breakfast, almost no lunch, and no dinner. Go to sleep. Wake up at 1 AM and demand hot dogs with ketchup.

6. When your Papa is too sleepy to protest, convince him to let you eat graham crackers in bed. Make lots of crumbs. Demand for weeks afterwards to be given graham crackers in bed. Howl loudly when denied.

7. When served a bowl of soup, take a fancy to one particular ingredient of the soup, like the noodles. Force your parents to choose between watching you go hungry, or picking out all the noodles (from your bowl and their own bowls) to give to you.

8. Eat a large, well balanced meal. Then, while playing, throw up your entire meal on the rug. Appear to be fine immediately afterwards.

9. Reject an entire box of animal cookies because the lions have all been eaten. Also, reject all the ones that are broken.

10. Choose a food-of-the-week. Eat nothing but that food for an entire week. If that food is denied, eat nothing. (examples: pizza, applesauce, pretzels, oranges).

Source: Saving Advice Forums


piannist said...

Hey Margot, I've got a good one for ya! I'm just getting over the flu. I've been in a really good mood now the last few days, feeling much better, but just to get on mom's nerves - I won't eat any solids. Not even the ones I really like! Because they made me sick a few days ago, I just don't trust them. I know I should act like a mature 8 month old, but this is really bringing me back to the days of being just home from the hospital...all that quality time with mom. I'll take note of those others, too.
Your friend, Bridget :)

Amdollar said...

Funny post! I sure hope kids don't eat stuff like that!